Archive for the ‘robert pattinson’ Category

twilight eclipse set for soft numbers outside north america

Wednesday, June 30th, 2010

don’t know why summit decided to open the 3rd film in the twilight franchise smack in the middle of the world cup and on the even of the quarter finals. everyone in europe, asia and south america will be glued to their screens. well,perhaps minus the countries that don’t have good teams (like in scandinavia and belgium). but this just confirms that americans tend to be completely clueless when it comes to cultures that don’t have anything to do with america.

and despite the fact that japan, the last asian team competing in the world cup, got eliminated yesterday during that marathon of a snooze called a game, people in japan still have their favorite teams. and the reports that twilight screenings are a madhouse in brazil so cannot be true. especially not this weekend. if brazil wins on friday, it will be one long party weekend in sao paulo.

but let the robert pattinson backlash begins. apparently it is already starting.

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part 3 of there's no such thing as overexposure in the music industry but it sure does exist in the film industry

Monday, July 20th, 2009

in part 3 we’ll discuss how to reverse overexposure without going MIA, which leads to underexposure of jared leto and colin farrell proportion –which is basically career ending.

would this entail avoiding all publicity for one’s films except for junkets? should robert pattinson turn down the looming ‘vanity fair’ cover? should his publicist actively lobby for him to NOT be declared people’s ’sexist man alive.’ should he avoid the teen choice awards and all comic book related conventions let alone the ‘twilight’ fan conventions and the upcoming ‘twilight’ cruise? we say pattinson should let someone else play edward cullen in the third ‘twilight’ film, ‘eclipse.’ like that’s ever gonna happen.

what would public relations expert recommend? well, if you look at actors as brands (which they are) anyone studying brand management would tell you that you have to reclaim your brand. like mcdonalds forgot who they were, but now they’re back on track.

at the moment, if we speak in terms of robert pattinson, who is ever so overexposed, we might have to take a more specific approach. because he’s not been on the market for too long.

if we go to imdb and take a look at his filmography, we can see that he’s got a short one. he was sort of a blip on the screen in two harry potter films, but every tawanda, doreen, and hermione remembers that he’s the one who DIED. beyond that, he’s got one gay film under his belt (little ashes, aka little asses) which perez hilton totally loves, then there’s this quirkly little indie british film called how to bethat is still rolling out around the world. and there’s at least one other. and we know that he was briefly a teen model.

well, if you look at his films, they’re a bit all over the place. gay. quirky. fantasy flicks. so we can see that maybe he’s not headed in a jean claude van damme direction. looks like pure action flicks won’t be coming his way.

then we have the endless stream of interviews he’s done. which with a quick look through E!, entertainment weekly, us weekly, and any random twilight fan site by any random 12 year old girl, all his interviews seem to have come out around the build up to the opening of ‘twilight’ last year. and he has seemingly only done one or two interviews (TV or print) since the. during that time, he mentioned things like ‘rarely washing’ ‘not washing his hair for 6 weeks’ (which is okay if you have a fro, but not for white folks b/c little things tend to grow), having problems getting dates, and basically coming across as a shy sensitive guy.

we would tell him to stop. stop. if you want the kiddies to quit chasing you down madison avenue and hanging out in front of the chambers hotel or the soho grand (or wherever the ‘h’ ‘e’ double hockey sticks) he’s been staying. it seems that 21st century hormonal pre-teen american girls love their guys dirty, shy and with a british accent.

keanu reeves was a heart throb for years as was the late john f. kenndy jr. i can’t recall ever having seen footage of keanu reeves being hounded by fans. but maybe that’s because he’s canadian. i recall an article i once read when john john was still kicking. and he said that the paparazzi and ‘fan girls’ (aka stalkers) never bothered him (and he used to ride his bicycle around manhattan) because he didn’t run away from them. once you start running, you’ll be running for the rest of your life.

pattinson could of course pluck his bushy unibrow and see either bruce jenner’s or michael jackson’s plastic surgeon. becuz when they’re finished, _nobody_ will be able to recognize him. so we’ll frame this directly to r-patz.

1.) don’t run when the paparazzi run after you
2.) try to come across as being as boring as possible
3.) follow jude law’s lead and do an endless string of bad movies followed by a stint on broadway where you bear all. (daniel radcliff did the same) then nobody will have anything else to say (especially if there’s nothing worth seeing). did we mention that you’ll also have to marrie sadie frost and somehow become linked to sienna miller? sorry to mention that. and just make sure the ushers confiscate all those mobile phones at the door.
4.) find a girlfriend –or a boyfriend. preferably from russia with an unpronouncable name. make sure she’s the daughter of an oil tycoon, then when your career goes belly up, you can crash at her pad with the solid gold bathroom in londistan.
5.) record an album. put it out on interscope. or better yet, warner brothers. that will simultaneously end your singing career and put a nail in the coffin of your acting one.
6.) only do ‘r’ rated movies. then the tweens can’t see them, but make sure there’s no nudity, or perez hilton will post it on the internet.
7.) don’t do ‘breaking dawn’ unless you’re hard up for cash
8.) go to all the twilight fan conventions and speak with an american accent. those girls will get bored with you quick.
9.) come out of the closet. even if you’re not in the closet. even if you’re not gay. men will never ever chase you down the street begging for your autograph. then you can have anonymous sex for the rest of your life.
10.) limit the number of interviews. don’t let people do one-on-ones with video cameras like this one. they will be edited and re-edited and respliced for the rest of your life.

there's no such thing as overexposure in the music industry but it sure exists in the film industry

Sunday, July 19th, 2009

here’s part 2.

so currently who are the most overexposed actors in hollywood? well, tom cruise and katie holmes were at the top of that list, but now it seems they’ve gone into hiding. or they’re careers have taken a u-turn of ben affleck proportions.

when tom cruise was with his boyhood publicist pat kingsley, she kept him on a tight leash and forbad journalists from asking him about his, um ‘religion.’ or so the story goes. his image was carefully managed. then he tossed his p.r. person under the bus and hired his sister, whose also a member of his, um ‘church.’ that’s when we got the image of tom cruise jumping on oprah’s couch declaring his ‘love’ for katie holmes as he did a michael jackson and found a ‘host’ –um , surrogate mother for his alien love child.

now this brings us to robert pattinson. can you not enter a supermarket or pass by a kiosk without seeing his fangs and uni-brow? this goes to show actors– be careful with those tween films. and prior to agreeing to be in an adaptation of a novel, do your frickin’ homework. tom cruise didn’t prior to bullying his way onto another vampire film, ‘interview with a vampire,’ and this most likely left lasting damage on his career.

but anne rice fans are far less intense than ‘twilight’ ones. perhaps because after 10 or 15 years of having read her books they had come to the realisation that well, vampires just don’t exist.

or perhaps this is due to the writing style. any tom dick or harry –or basically, tina, doreen or hermione can pick up a 500 page stephenie meyer novel and read it on a flight between london and berlin, except perhaps for dakota fanning. this in turn leads to perhaps a form of rabid fandome and screaming hormonal teens not seen since duran duran and wham (before george michael came out of the closet).

in part 3 we’ll discuss how to reverse overexposure without going MIA, which leads to underexposure of jared leto and colin farrell proportion –which is basically career ending. would this entail avoiding all publicity for your films except for junkets? should robert pattinson turn down the looming ‘vanity fair’ cover? should his publicist actively lobby for him to NOT be declared people’s ‘sexist man alive.’ should he avoid the teen choice awards and all comic book related conventions let alone the ‘twilight’ fan conventions and the upcoming ‘twilight’ cruise? we say pattinson should let someone else play edward cullen in the third ‘twilight’ film, ‘eclipse.’ like that’s ever gonna happen.

bella swan –we mean kristen stewart, is a tad overexposed too. but since she’s been acting since at least ‘panic room,’ and guys tend not to chase girls down the street seeking autographs and she hasn’t got big boobs (so the male contingency of the paparazzi aren’t interested), she’s probably okay for the moment.